Follow Through

My mantra changes from time to time and lately it has been fixated on the phrase “follow through”– and it has been my mantra in ever since.

Often we enter the unknown with the neurotic impulse that everything has to be decided; clear; fixed, and so we calculate closely, obsess carefully, and ruminate over and over about the factors and variables to make sure that everything will eventually work. It’s as if a “no” or “I don’t know” are guests who aren’t invited and/or welcome, so we do everything we can so that they won’t even be in the picture.

As of late, I’ve shifted. Almost all the decisions that I’ve made lately is based on just that– following through. I used to resist the idea or notion of deciding something or entering a commitment without knowing how it’d eventually pan out or end up. My brain would flip a hundred eighty degrees– and back again, do somersaults and backflips and all those fancy tricks and schmricks, to make sure I know where I am going. The impulse to make sure I can see the end in mind is far too great for me to compulsively ignore.

But the irony is that the more we think we are in control, the lesser we actually are;

The more I think I’ve got it all figured out, the lesser I actually do.

And funnily enough, the more I accept that I don’t have it figured out, that I don’t know the end game – the happier, and more at peace, I am.

Suddenly, the now becomes such a nice place to live in; a sole refuge that covers and comforts. Something that I failed to realise, or accept, before.

You know, life is what passes us by when we are gripping too hard in hope to selfishly attain clarity after clarity. And talking about life, it has its own funny way of doing things and working out – and more often than not, not in the way we first planned and/or expected. But it will, eventually.

As always, like always.

What if it doesn’t work out, you ask me? Well, then it doesn’t. You open a new page and start over.

What if you hearts breaks in multiple folds, you may ask again? Then you cry it out until you have no more heartbreaks left to cry about, and you start over.

What about failures, you may still stubbornly ask? Then you sulk, be angry, stay angry perhaps, kick yourself in the gut for a while… and you start over.

It’s really that simple.

Today, I take pride in walking towards an end that I know not yet of.

Today, I take the pleasure and gratitude of living life in the now.

Today, I’ve decided to stay in the now.

Today, I’ve decided to follow through…

what I am going through.

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Yang Biasa Dilupa

Semuanya itu, dalam hidup, harus disyukuri.

Mau yang lagi susah berlalu maju

dari cerita masa lalu;

mau yang sedang jatuh cinta

dengan yang berbeda;

mau yang sedang menjelajahi pilihan

kesini dan kesana;

Semua itu harus disyukuri.

Karena semua itu ada waktunya;

mau terkadang waktu itu sejenak,

tersentak, ataupun terhentak;

atau ya mau waktu itu lama.

Jadi berbahagialah kita yang masih dapat merasakan,

menyaksikan,

dan menjalankan.

Di depan mau ada urusan apa,

cerita apa dan akhir apa,

ah sudahlah, beranilah menutup mata.

Toh hanya yang Maha Kuasa

yang punya rencana,

tanpa kita yang harus memberi aba-aba.

Secret

You know, people often keep private or hidden from people’s eyes the things that are special or matter the most to them. Like, let’s say, a pearl in an oyster. I mean, how often do you see an oyster flailing about in flares, showing off? A pearl is kept well hidden.

For a while, we became our little secret– just you and me. It’s almost as if we are just reluctant to share each other,

to anybody, anything.

We became each other’s obsession, sweet possession,

in a way we just want to enjoy ourselves

for ourselves

to ourselves.

So we kept us hidden– just you and me,

the two of us.

And you, my dear, become this sweet little secret I carry with me everyday.

“It’s not us against the world, you know,” I said, “I’m beyond the point of caring what the world has to say anyway.

This– me– just wants to be with you.”

Brimming

Borrowed words, lifelong tales,

lost times, (un)kept memories.

A touch of poetry and just the right amount of reality.

All brimming to a full

expressing what’s on the inside

to the outside

before out they splutter onto paper

in pieces after pieces.

Time Bomb

I hate the fact

that even my heart knows,

no matter how hard I try to lie,

that this,

us,

is a ticking time bomb.

“Hey,” you called as I gazed, long and far, at the sunset.

I turned, my chain of thoughts interrupted.

You smiled, that smile, and in that moment I could feel it coming –

You will be both

the worst

and in itself perhaps the best

storm

my heart will have to weather

soon enough.

Found

Between us, not a word spoken.

Words turn frail and logics fail.

But even buried under the mounts of

unspoken words and silent screams,

the heart knows what it knows.

I will always gravitate to where you are,

like a compass always finding north,

like two magnets of opposite ends,

or like two ships joined together by a single mooring –

unbreakable, inseparable,

far from dismissive.

I will always find you,

and you, me;

and I, us;

even without anything

either said, spoken, or written,

even if it is in the darkest of all abyss

and the vastness of the lost sea.

Found;

we’re found,

and in each other

we will always be.