Perihal Rindu

Kamu tertawa, “Kangen? Kan sudah ketemu setiap hari.”

Disitu aku akhirnya tahu, bahwa rindu bukan perihal rasa yang hanya muncul disaat kita bertatapan dengan jarak, melainkan perihal rasa yang kerap muncul setiap kali kamu muncul di dalam benak.

Seperti halnya menyandu, tidak ada sudahnya mau.

Tidak pernah berhenti, selalu ada dan ada lagi.

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Bird By Bird

“Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”

Saturday afternoon.

A middle-aged lady was parking her car.

Another car was coming in from the other end.

The lady hit the other car.

The other driver, a man, aghast, got out of his car and rudely asked the lady to step out of the car.

The lady stepped out of her car, shakily, and was instantly met with the man’s anguish.

Rude bellowing, offensive cursing, and angry shouting were met with shocked, anxious, paralysing silence.

Shaken, the lady offered some money to cover the man’s repairs in hope for a reconciliation.

The man took the money and left the lady, while still throwing curses and shoutings.

The lady got back into her care and drove back home safe, though a few shades whiter and a couple (heart)beat faster.

The middle-aged lady was my mother. The reconciliation process went longer than the above case report I was able to put into words, but matters were settled and no injury and/or further ordeals were borne. I asked her in the evening, after everything was resolved, whether she was still in shock– to which, she answered, “No, because it has passed.”

I looked back and noticed, that often, what happens is that we tend to linger on things that are, quite frankly, no longer there. We linger, we ruminate, we obsess, over and on the pain of something that has way passed– sometimes for days, weeks, or even months on end. Perhaps it is because we think by unconsciously holding ourselves accountable for something that has way passed its expiration date would release us from the grips of whatever it is we are trying to break free from– be it guilt, hurt, brokenness. But truth to be told, no wronger lie has ever been told.

From my mother’s story today, I learned a very important lesson. You see, the thing is, we tend to make life appear so complicated when, in fact, it isn’t some rocket science after all. The formula to life is in fact, though discreetly, very simple.

Life is composed of our past, present, and future. What usually happens is that we tend to mix and merge our past, present, and future like they are this one wholeness in which they are not. We tend to let what happened to us in the past carry through as though they are our present; and we tend to let our projections and assumptions of the future backdate as though they are our present.

Our future and our past are not our present.

Nor is our future is our past, or vice versa.

All three times have their own separate timelines.

And contrary to popular beliefs, we are not stuck living in all three.

Our lives are not about our past, nor is it, arguably, about our future. Laws of physics might deny this, but whatever we are living is our present– whatever is happening right here, in the now.  That’s what I usually refer to as reality.

The clock is showing that it is 11:53 PM.

The air conditioner has a whizzing sound.

The air from the air conditioner feels cold as it touches my skin.

I suddenly have an urge to start singing something from Michael Buble’s Christmas album.

I am contemplating whether to sleep or to read after I publish this post.

Those are just a glimpse of my present. And right in this now, in this moment, nothing else matters because they simply do not exist.

The truth is, life is as easy as taking it easy; one by one, bird by bird. You see, when there is a problem, you tackle it. When it is done, you move on. So, it’s: problem, tackle, move on. Problem, tackle, move on. On repeat, all day long.

And then comes the leftover residues. I, out of all people, understand the inconvenience of these leftover residues. Nuisances as they are, but the major error lies in us either trying to dismiss them, or ruminate and obsess too long in them. When these leftover residues emerge, which they will, in the most agonising way, you embrace it. When you’ve embraced it, you feel them. Once you’ve felt them, you move on. So, it’s: embrace, feel, move on. Embrace, feel, move on. On repeat, all day long.

No, really, that’s it. One by one, bird by bird.

Our present is way too precious to be rid off of the peace it deserves just because we, by mistake, intertwine it with things that in fact do not exist. Every time has its own timeline, as will the things that will happen and fall into place.

Just you wait, just you have faith.

Just you take it one by one, bird by bird.

You’ll see.

Teruntuk Kita

Teruntuk kita

Selalu ada,

Semua punya segala

Tanpa ada tiada,

Semua yang disentuh rasa

Semua yang dimanja kata-kata.

 

Mohon berikan maaf untuk satu sajak singkat jauh dari arti sempurna

Yang bergantung pada gaung rima dan pengulangan kosa kata,

 

Izinkan ia untuk memberikan hidup pada paripurna sebuah senyuman

Sayangnya sebuah dekapan

Dan hangatnya suatu perasaan;

 

Seperti halnya hening yang dirasa

Di saat malam menemukan tenang, sesaat seusai senja.

 

 

“Ah–

bolehkah saya terus menghuni bilik waktu yang ini saja?”

Terjebak

Di dalam pengap harap

bualan anganan

yang tak tentu setuju

atau keliru

setiap hati ini bersinggah

di atas kenangan akan kamu,

dan kita

yang selalu menolak

untuk berkata sudah

baik sekarang atau

nanti kelak;

Dalam sajak

yang bertemu dengan jarak

enggan untuk melepaskan pijak

dari yang sudah berjejak;

terjebak.

An Old Flashback

Words turned to knives,

and then it killed.

The words that we usually use to love, to embrace, to kiss– we now use to pierce, to stab, to hurt.

It was blood upon blood, tears upon heavy hearts, cracked open, swollen and unrescued.

It was the most gruesome of all forms of murder.

That night when words shredded me into pieces.

What changed?

Take me back to the beginning.

Our “I love you”s screaming in this dead air between us, muffled, unable to sound.

What’s the prize to be won in the arena here?

How big is the prize that could convince us to tiptoe over these shaky maybes

and turn us into savage beasts dying over a duel

just over who gets to have the last say?

Take me back to the beginning.

Take me back to you.

But, no.

Enough,

is enough.

Follow Through

My mantra changes from time to time and lately it has been fixated on the phrase “follow through”– and it has been my mantra in ever since.

Often we enter the unknown with the neurotic impulse that everything has to be decided; clear; fixed, and so we calculate closely, obsess carefully, and ruminate over and over about the factors and variables to make sure that everything will eventually work. It’s as if a “no” or “I don’t know” are guests who aren’t invited and/or welcome, so we do everything we can so that they won’t even be in the picture.

As of late, I’ve shifted. Almost all the decisions that I’ve made lately is based on just that– following through. I used to resist the idea or notion of deciding something or entering a commitment without knowing how it’d eventually pan out or end up. My brain would flip a hundred eighty degrees– and back again, do somersaults and backflips and all those fancy tricks and schmricks, to make sure I know where I am going. The impulse to make sure I can see the end in mind is far too great for me to compulsively ignore.

But the irony is that the more we think we are in control, the lesser we actually are;

The more I think I’ve got it all figured out, the lesser I actually do.

And funnily enough, the more I accept that I don’t have it figured out, that I don’t know the end game – the happier, and more at peace, I am.

Suddenly, the now becomes such a nice place to live in; a sole refuge that covers and comforts. Something that I failed to realise, or accept, before.

You know, life is what passes us by when we are gripping too hard in hope to selfishly attain clarity after clarity. And talking about life, it has its own funny way of doing things and working out – and more often than not, not in the way we first planned and/or expected. But it will, eventually.

As always, like always.

What if it doesn’t work out, you ask me? Well, then it doesn’t. You open a new page and start over.

What if you hearts breaks in multiple folds, you may ask again? Then you cry it out until you have no more heartbreaks left to cry about, and you start over.

What about failures, you may still stubbornly ask? Then you sulk, be angry, stay angry perhaps, kick yourself in the gut for a while… and you start over.

It’s really that simple.

Today, I take pride in walking towards an end that I know not yet of.

Today, I take the pleasure and gratitude of living life in the now.

Today, I’ve decided to stay in the now.

Today, I’ve decided to follow through…

what I am going through.

Yang Biasa Dilupa

Semuanya itu, dalam hidup, harus disyukuri.

Mau yang lagi susah berlalu maju

dari cerita masa lalu;

mau yang sedang jatuh cinta

dengan yang berbeda;

mau yang sedang menjelajahi pilihan

kesini dan kesana;

Semua itu harus disyukuri.

Karena semua itu ada waktunya;

mau terkadang waktu itu sejenak,

tersentak, ataupun terhentak;

atau ya mau waktu itu lama.

Jadi berbahagialah kita yang masih dapat merasakan,

menyaksikan,

dan menjalankan.

Di depan mau ada urusan apa,

cerita apa dan akhir apa,

ah sudahlah, beranilah menutup mata.

Toh hanya yang Maha Kuasa

yang punya rencana,

tanpa kita yang harus memberi aba-aba.